Sod the Season
by Collie
Summary: Spike is punished by Angel and Willow for harassing Buffy, only his punishment takes on a decidedly Christmas-y twist. (BtVS/AtS Crossover)


TITLE: Sod the Season.   
AUTHOR: Collie.   
SUMMARY: Spike is punished by Angel and Willow for harassing Buffy, only his punishment takes on a decidedly Christmas-y twist.   
RATING: PG.   
FEEDBACK: It's what makes the world go 'round.   
SPOILERS: Buffy up to 'Listening to Fear', and none for Angel. Oh, and very small mention of a Dawson's Creek rumor.   
DISTRIBUTION: YGTS? and Through My Eyes. Anyone else, just let me know.   
DISCLAIMER: They're Joss's. Don't remind me.   
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is an answer to Challenge #6 at You Got the Stones? (http://bastardgenres.com/collie/stones.html)   
DEDICATION: To Melissa Rae. Hope you like it!   
  
  
  
"I can't _believe_ you're making me do this, Peaches." Spike grumbled and muttered under his breath as he very slowly pulled on the pink and green stripped stockings, each motion indicating his unhappiness and contempt.   
  
Spike and Angel were sitting downstairs in the lobby of Angel's hotel in Los Angeles. Angel had sent Wesley and Cordelia out to buy some last-minute Christmas presents for the children at the hospital, which is where they were all headed this evening.   
  
Angel smirked, hiding a grin under a mock-stern expression.   
  
"I told you, Spike -- if you kept harassing Buffy, you were gonna have to pay for it. I told her to call me if she had anymore trouble with you. She tells me you've been in her house now, smelling her clothes," Angel's mouth twitched as he tried hard to keep from laughing.   
  
Spike glared at Angel, opening his mouth to retort. Angel held up a hand, signaling Spike's silence. Spike scowled and Angel continued.   
  
"So now you have to do something for me. It's just for tonight. It's not going to kill you, you know.. and maybe now you'll think twice about .. stealing her panties." Angel's stern countenance slipped and he let out a laugh.   
  
Spike growled at him, standing. He crossed his arms defiantly across his chest, glaring at Angel.   
  
"It's like I told that commando nit -- It's a predator thing. I'm keepin' her scent."   
  
"I don't care, Spike. I don't even think I want to know."   
  
Spike's face contorted as he caught Angel's meaning.   
  
"Oh, bloody hell. You don't actually think I fancy the Slayer, do you? Cor, don't make me heave up my dinner, Peaches. I've got something better than Slutty, thank you very much."   
  
Angel glared, opening his mouth to tell Spike just exactly what he thought when he heard a footfall on the stairs.   
  
Willow appeared, all but skipping downstairs, a bright smile on her face, the bell from her Santa hat jangling merrily in the angry silence of the lobby. She stopped a few feet away from Spike and Angel, grinning as she saw Spike, ignoring the sour expression on his face.   
  
"Spike! You look great! The kids are going to be so happy. This is going to be lots of fun! Well, that is, if you don't go all growly and snap at them and such.. but you can't, you know. So.. yay!"   
  
Spike and Angel both glanced over at Willow, Spike rolling his eyes.   
  
"You know, Santa's supposed to be an old fat man, you silly witch."   
  
Willow stuck out her chin, defiantly.   
  
"Hey! I can be Santa Claus! I feel just like him -- except thinner, and younger, and female and.. well.. Jewish."   
  
She giggled and Angel smiled over at her.   
  
"Willow, you look great. This is a wonderful thing you're doing for these kids," Angel replied, sitting in a nearby chair.   
  
Willow was dressed in a red fur-lined hat, complete with jingle bell, and a red dress with long sleeves that ended in fur-cuffs at her wrists and a fur-lined skirt that ended just above her knees. Her legs were encased in red stockings, and she had a pair of black calf-high boots on her feet. She smiled at Angel, mocking a little curtsey.   
  
"Thank you, thank you. But, I think Spike looks better, don't you?"   
  
Willow and Angel exchanged grins and Spike huffed, eyes shooting daggers at the both of him.   
  
Spike was dressed as an elf. A green pirate-ish type shirt covered upper body, and green shorts came down to his knees. On his legs were the pink and green stripped stockings he had just put on, and beside his chair were a pair of green elf shoes, pointy toes and all, with tiny little bells on the tip of both. Willow walked over to Spike and held out a green hat, similar to her Santa hat, but with no fur trim. It also had a bell. Spike glared at it, not moving his hands.   
  
"If you think I'm wearing all these soddin' poncy bells, you're both bloody crazy."   
  
Willow giggled at the stern look Angel gave Spike.   
  
"Spike, you will do whatever Willow says. You're in trouble, boy, and you're going to pay your penance. If you refuse to do it voluntarily, I will gladly grab the stapler from my desk and permanently fix that hat and those shoes to your body."   
  
Spike growled again, sending Angel a two-finger salute, then sat down and begrudgingly began putting on his shoes. Willow walked over to Spike and plopped the hat down on his blonde head. Spike grunted, finishing with his shoes.   
  
"You're both wankers."   
  
Angel smirked and turned to Willow who had started to pile brightly wrapped gifts and boxes into a large red sack.   
  
"So, Willow.. did Xander make good on his word?"   
  
Willow threw a grin and a wink over her shoulder, nodding.   
  
"He sure did. I'd have to say that, next to Xander, Spike might be the best Snoopy Dancer in the southern California area."   
  
Angel nodded his approval, a gleam in his eyes. He turned back to Spike who was scowling something awful, scrunched down in his chair like a child who'd gotten nothing but coal in his stocking Christmas morning.   
  
"All right, Spike -- let's see it."   
  
Spike's head shot up, his eyes flaring with anger. He jumped up, grabbing the hat off of his head and throwing it to the ground.   
  
"Hell no! I might parade around like some poofter Peter Pan tonight, I might throw some bloody gifts out at those little brats, and I might, _might_ restrain myself from growling in their little snot-nosed faces, but I _refuse_ to do that bloody Snoopy Dance!"   
  
Angel growled, taking a step towards Spike, who stood his ground.   
  
"I said _now_, William."   
  
Spike shook his head.   
  
"Not on your unlife, Peaches."   
  
Suddenly, Angel had Spike by the throat, pressing him back into the chair he was occupying only seconds before. He dug his knee into Spike's chest, squeezing Spike's throat until the words came out in a squeak.   
  
"Fine! Bloody all right!"   
  
Angel nodded, releasing Spike, who stood, jerkily fixing his attire. He closed his eyes, shaking his head with a resigned sigh, then quickly -- and very badly -- did a very short version of the Snoopy Dance.   
  
Willow and Angel let out peals of laugher, continuing until a gust of chilled wind blew through the lobby, Cordelia's cheery voice following it in.   
  
"We're back, and we come bearing toys for tots!"   
  
Willow and Angel composed themselves, turning to watch the two of them enter the room. Cordelia entered first, carrying one small package, and Wesley -- at least, Willow _thought_ it was Wesley, it looked more like a stack of packages with arms and legs -- followed her. Cordelia dropped her package in Willow's sack, instructing Wesley to do the same. A rain of packages fell from his hands, revealing a very tired and flustered-looking Englishman. He said nothing, but stumbled over to the chair Angel had been occupying previously.   
  
"Good lord. I don't think I've ever felt this tired."   
  
Cordelia snickered, rolling her eyes at Wesley.   
  
"I don't call it power shopping for nothing, Wes. Besides, it's for a good cause."   
  
"Well, right now I envy those children. They have nice beds to lay in, and no--"   
  
His words cut off suddenly as he caught sight of Spike, who was standing still in his spot, and -- for a lack of better term -- childishly moping, the hat on his head wilted from the jerky movements of the Snoopy Dance. Wesley's tired expression brightened, laughter spilling from his lips.   
  
"Oh, my.. that's rich. Brilliant."   
  
Spike tore his eyes from Angel's face, pointing a finger at Wesley.   
  
"Watch it, you git. I swear, as soon as I get--"   
  
He was cut off by a chorus of voices around the room, finishing his threat for him.   
  
"--this chip removed, I'm going to rip out your bloody throat."   
  
Spike growled and grabbed his duster, fishing around in the pocket, the bells on his shoes jingling with each movement. He pulled out a pack of cigarettes and angrily stuffed one between his lips.   
  
"Bugger off, all of you."   
  
The rest of them laughed and set about finishing their preparations. Spike grumbled and stalked off, looking for a television. He found on in a room off of the lobby. He dropped down in the chair in front of it, flipping it on and lighting his cigarette. He channel surfed for a few moments before settling on a station. He watched, smoking silently for a few moments before rolling his eyes, calling out at the screen.   
  
"Pacey, you stupid sod -- I've told you and told you -- you're _never_ gonna get into her knickers."   
  
Suddenly, his viewing was interrupted by a loud blaring of Christmas music coming from the lobby. He tossed his cigarette on the ground, grinding it out with his green elf shoe, then banged his fists on the arms of the chair, striding angrily back into the lobby.   
  
"Will you turn that crap off? I'm _trying_ to watch my program, here!"   
  
Willow reached over to the portable stereo and turned the volume down low, grinning at Spike.   
  
"It's a rerun, Spike. Don't get all flustered about Pacey and Joey. It's supposed to happen during February sweeps. Remember? We watched that episode a few weeks back."   
  
They all laughed, and if Spike could blush, he would have been crimson. He glared at Willow, who's eyes were sparkling with amusement. His voice was tight as he muttered.   
  
"I don't like you, Red."   
  
Willow faked a pout and walked over to Spike, grabbing his hand and leading him back over to the group.   
  
"Aw, yes you do. And besides, what is Santa without her jolly little elf?"   
  
Spike grumbled, begrudgingly squeezing her hand a bit before giving her a small peck on the cheek.   
  
"Oh, sod it. I'm _only_ doing this for you. Peaches can bite me."   
  
Willow smiled brightly and turned towards the rest of the group, who's collective eyebrows had just shot up into their collective hairlines. Willow just shrugged.   
  
"What? He can be a sweetheart.. when he's not trying desperately to relive his days as the 'Big Bad'."   
  
Spike pinched her side, grumbling.   
  
"Quiet, witch."   
  
Willow giggled, leaving his side to finish packing up. Spike's eyes roamed the room, catching his sire's gaze. He read Angel's 'If you hurt her, _you'll_ hurt in more ways than you thought possible' expression and nodded, making it clear than he wished no true harm to Willow. Angel just shook his head, grabbing his car keys from the desk.   
  
"All right, let's go, then."   
  
The rest of the newly shocked group filtered out after Angel, leaving Willow and Spike behind. Spike grabbed the bag of toys and Willow grabbed the portable stereo. Walking around him, Willow bent over and scooped up Spike's hat from the ground. Spike, of course, took this opportunity to check out Willow's Santa scanties. He jerked his eyes away when she turned and handed him the hat, smiling brightly.   
  
"Don't want to forget this, Spike. You wouldn't be an authentic elf without a silly hat, now would you?"   
  
Spike smirked and positioned the hat on his head, reaching down to playfully finger the fur lining of Willow's skirt.   
  
"If you want to get into technicalities, Red -- I don't think Santa wears a black garter belt, red thigh-highs, and a red thong."   
  
He waggled his eyebrows lasciviously, earning him a smack on the arm from a flustered Santa, whose face now matched the rest of her.   
  
"Well, I sort of thought we might need to have a special Santa/elf meeting later.. you know, about the upcoming holiday."   
  
"Oh, the up_coming_ holiday, is it?"   
  
Willow rolled her eyes and walked out towards the door.   
  
"You are the more perverted elf I know."   
  
Spike frowned, swinging the sack over his shoulder.   
  
"Here, now -- you'd better not be well-aquainted with any other elves, Red!"   
  
***   
  
The children's ward at the hospital was decorated to the nines with Christmas cheer. The chatter of happy children sounded out to Buffy as she made her way down the hallway towards it. She slowly pushed open the door and came upon the strangest Christmas scene she'd had yet to witness.   
  
A thin, redheaded, female Santa was handing out toys to children running around in their pajamas, and a tall, blonde, scowling (but very much un-growling), undead elf was sitting in a chair, handing out candy canes and gingerbread men next to her. Across the room, Wesley was sitting on a chair, his face animated as he read Christmas stories to a small group of children at his feet, and Cordelia sat on a bed near him, braiding little pieces of holy and mistletoe into the hair of the little girl sitting in front of her. Buffy's smile was big and bright as she entered. No one noticed her save Angel, who was standing just beside the door, looking decidedly less dark and glowery for the sake of the children. He smiled softly at her and walked to her side, nodding in Spike's direction.   
  
"Well, what do you think? Has he paid the price?"   
  
Buffy laughed a bit, shaking her head in amazement.   
  
"Survey says, yes. This is great, Angel. Not only are you guys doing a wonderful thing for these children, but humiliating Spike in the process!"   
  
Angel nodded, proudly.   
  
"Yes, well. It was mostly Willow's idea."   
  
Buffy giggled, then shot her eyes up to Angel.   
  
"Did Xander--"   
  
Angel nodded, his face breaking into a grin.   
  
"We made Spike do it for us. I'm actually very surprised he didn't chose death by my hand over the embarrassment of the Snoopy Dance."   
  
They both laughed and continued to watch the scene for a bit. Buffy then shook her head, and leaned over, whispering to Angel.   
  
"I could get used to this. Maybe I'll send every guy who annoys me your way. This is _much_ better than just bashing them over the head with a tree branch, like I did to Parker."   
  
She kept her eyes on the jolly scene before him, as Angel blinked with confusion. Suddenly, Buffy's voice rang out.   
  
"Hey, Spike -- nice legs!"   
  
Spike's head shot up, his eyes wide in astonishment. He narrowed his eyes, opening his mouth, the most terrible string of curse words he could think of quite prepared to flow out, directed towards Buffy, but those words were muffled by a small hand attached to Willow. She laughed as Spike tossed her hand away, ducking his head and grumbling, the little kids swarming around him.   
  
"I hate the bloody holidays."   
  



End file.
